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Hurting for old hurts
Sep. 21st, 2020 07:11 amI once wrote- and yes, I'm quoting myself, because I am a GENIUS- something along the lines of, "They say nostalgia is longing for the pain of an old wound, and that must be true, because why else would I want to be a child again?"
For my current mood, take that sentence, and replace "wanting to be a child again" with "missing the old LJ Hetalia fandom".
'Cause, wow. Ain't that an old pain.
And it's hard to pin down what exactly it is that I miss. The feeling of community? A gathering point where I can easily find other people who are into this thing I'm into. The feeling of there always being something going on in the fandom; a glut of quality askblogs, and RP accounts, and a new fanfiction nearly every single day.
...I miss a lot of the good Hetalia askblogs. PostOffice!Alfred, that was one. There was an AMAZING FrUk blog. The art and hilarity of that blog will stay with me forever.
I miss...earnestness? I miss enthusiasm. I miss a culture where you were more inclined to pour your thoughts out in as many or as little words as you like, and not to be snappy and sarcastic in under 140-to-250 characters. I miss being able to gush about how something was "AWESOME!!" without it being looked at askance. I miss fandom being something that happened organically and not something people seemingly feel compelled to do because they like something that has some semblance of a plot.
...Honestly, I'm finding that what I long for most is places I've never been to ^^;
I miss...dark, foggy cities of dark, bricked buildings lit by old lamps? I miss rainy gardens so green and overgrown you can't see the sky? I miss places and houses and rooms and people that actually feel like home. I miss Paris, or London, or Venice, or some other place it's easy to create a hyper-romanticized version of in my head, and I miss libraries with windows I can't see out of.
I miss being able to live there. I miss being able to live in my head.
I miss things I've never really done, like sitting in a library paneled with mahogany up to the tall ceiling, trying to decrypt decades-old accounts of historical events.
I miss baking.
I miss gardening.
I miss living in a suburbia that doesn't feel like purgatory.
...Ah...I don't know what it is I miss.
Most likely answer? Just the feeling of familiarity, and being a (comparatively) "innocent" teenager. One who had ideas about the future, rather than worries.
Long story short, I found a few old Hetalia-related posts, and the old LJ group, and I couldn't look at them for too long without getting heartsick.
And, y'know? I think the best solution is to just create. Keep the things I love alive in my head, and reach out with what I can make of them. And find beautiful things that I can love now. Make plans, practice hobbies. Get something to be excited about. That's all.
I'm glad I wrote this all out.
(Oh. And post in this journal. For whatever reason, that makes me happy too.)
...Oh.
Also.
I found the most incredible new icon. Behold. THE SUN (THE SUN THE SUN etc.)
I have no clue what I'd ever use it for. XD
Maaaan, I haven't played Sunless Sea in a long time. Now THAT'S something that made me happy! I've heard Sunless Sky is even better. Maybe I'll check it out when I can.
For my current mood, take that sentence, and replace "wanting to be a child again" with "missing the old LJ Hetalia fandom".
'Cause, wow. Ain't that an old pain.
And it's hard to pin down what exactly it is that I miss. The feeling of community? A gathering point where I can easily find other people who are into this thing I'm into. The feeling of there always being something going on in the fandom; a glut of quality askblogs, and RP accounts, and a new fanfiction nearly every single day.
...I miss a lot of the good Hetalia askblogs. PostOffice!Alfred, that was one. There was an AMAZING FrUk blog. The art and hilarity of that blog will stay with me forever.
I miss...earnestness? I miss enthusiasm. I miss a culture where you were more inclined to pour your thoughts out in as many or as little words as you like, and not to be snappy and sarcastic in under 140-to-250 characters. I miss being able to gush about how something was "AWESOME!!" without it being looked at askance. I miss fandom being something that happened organically and not something people seemingly feel compelled to do because they like something that has some semblance of a plot.
...Honestly, I'm finding that what I long for most is places I've never been to ^^;
I miss...dark, foggy cities of dark, bricked buildings lit by old lamps? I miss rainy gardens so green and overgrown you can't see the sky? I miss places and houses and rooms and people that actually feel like home. I miss Paris, or London, or Venice, or some other place it's easy to create a hyper-romanticized version of in my head, and I miss libraries with windows I can't see out of.
I miss being able to live there. I miss being able to live in my head.
I miss things I've never really done, like sitting in a library paneled with mahogany up to the tall ceiling, trying to decrypt decades-old accounts of historical events.
I miss baking.
I miss gardening.
I miss living in a suburbia that doesn't feel like purgatory.
...Ah...I don't know what it is I miss.
Most likely answer? Just the feeling of familiarity, and being a (comparatively) "innocent" teenager. One who had ideas about the future, rather than worries.
Long story short, I found a few old Hetalia-related posts, and the old LJ group, and I couldn't look at them for too long without getting heartsick.
And, y'know? I think the best solution is to just create. Keep the things I love alive in my head, and reach out with what I can make of them. And find beautiful things that I can love now. Make plans, practice hobbies. Get something to be excited about. That's all.
I'm glad I wrote this all out.
(Oh. And post in this journal. For whatever reason, that makes me happy too.)
...Oh.
Also.
I found the most incredible new icon. Behold. THE SUN (THE SUN THE SUN etc.)
I have no clue what I'd ever use it for. XD
Maaaan, I haven't played Sunless Sea in a long time. Now THAT'S something that made me happy! I've heard Sunless Sky is even better. Maybe I'll check it out when I can.
